Your hand in Mine
by bkuebird
Summary: "Hey Kotori." Her other hand reached out to brush Kotori's bangs away from her forehead, "You look really beautiful today, you always do. I wonder if you remember what day it is today?"/ Sometimes, all I needed was to feel your hand in mine to know that everything would be alright.


A/N: Okay so I didn't expect my first KotoUmi fic to be an angsty one, I was actually working on a light-hearted fluffy one but I just couldn't stop writing this. (tip: read slowly) So please enjoy and review!

Disclaimer: I don't own Love Live! or any of its characters.

...

She held her breath.

She couldn't breathe.

Tight.

Her chest felt too tight. It was as if her own lungs had twisted themselves together, forced out all of the air in her body as they screamed for her to feel something.

But she felt numb, her body frozen as if her organs had stopped functioning all at once. It felt all too surreal, like a muddy dream.

Her eyes were a void of any emotion, hollow and empty as she continued to stare at the sight in front of her.

Her mouth refused to move, she was left speechless for the worst reason.

With a shaky breath, she gasped out, "_No._"

...

_14 years ago _

_The start of our tragedy._

"Nice to meet you! I'm Minami Kotori! But you can just call me Kotori!"

"U-Uhh, okay. I'm Sonoda Umi, n-nice to meet you too."

"Let's play then, Umi-chan!"

"O-okay..." A seven year-old Umi mumbled, unwilling to make eye contact.

The girl in front of her smiled brightly, reaching for Umi's hand. "You don't have to be scared! Everyone here is really nice!"

The blue haired girl nearly jumped back in shock at the sudden contact but relaxed when her hand was given a reassuring squeeze. Her amber eyes glistened hopefully as she raised her head, and when she caught the beaming smile sent her way, she was certain that the person she just met was an angel.

As the weeks passed by, Umi's belief that her friend was an angel was firmly strengthened. Her graceful posture, sweet smile and caring heart were undeniable proof.

"Hurry, Umi-chan! If we don't hurry, my mum will be mad!"

Umi's hand was grasped tightly in her friend's once more, although she felt more uneasy about it this time. She stopped running and paused, shoes skidding against the sidewalk.

"Umi-chan? What's wrong?"

"... C-Could you let go of my hand, please?" Umi asked, a light pink coated her cheeks.

A few seconds passed as Umi stared at her friend, who seemed to be in deep thought, her eyebrows furrowed and mouth in a childish pout.

"Hmmm... No."

Umi's eyes widened, shocked. "H-Huh?"

The girl tightened her grip on her hand, smiling. "I said no!"

"B-But, why?"

"Because I don't want Umi-chan running away from me!"

Even as a seven year old, Umi thought it was rather ridiculous for her to suggest something like that, there was no way Umi would ever abandon her. But seeing the determined look on her friend's face, she gave in and nodded.

The smile given to her was impossibly bigger than the last one.

...

_7 years ago _

"Kotori!" Umi called out, panting as she ran towards her friend.

Kotori instantly turned to face her friend, a brief look of surprise crossed her features before settling into a smile. "Umi-chan!"

Umi stopped to catch her breath, as she looked expectantly at Kotori. "How is it?"

"We're all going to the same high school! You, me and Honoka-chan!" The taupe haired girl responded excitedly.

A smile graced Umi's face as she let out a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness."

As they walked home together, Kotori grabbed Umi's hand and held onto it. Umi, once again surprised by the sudden action, turned her head to face Kotori.

"Umi-chan, thanks for helping Honoka-chan and I study for the exams." She said with a warm smile. Umi scratched her cheek sheepishly, "You're welcome."

Kotori smiled and tiptoed, pressing her lips against Umi's cheek. "Consider this a reward." she said cheekily.

Umi was stunned, she was unable to tell whether what Kotori did was platonic or romantic, regardless it didn't stop the blush from spreading to her ears.

Kotori giggled, looking at the face Umi was making and tugged on her hand, silently telling her to keep walking.

The blue-haired girl averted her eyes, unable to meet Kotori's gaze but she squeezed her hand in response causing Kotori to smile even wider.

_Your hand laced with mine was comforting and warm. _

...

_5 years ago_

_These feelings, I can't keep them in any longer. Please forgive me. _

The bell rung, signalling the end of classes for the day. "Come on, you two! Let's go to the clubroom!" Honoka grinned, as cheerful as ever, already steps ahead of the both of them.

"Honoka-chan, slow down a little!" Kotori said. "It would be great if you channel all of this energy into studying instead." Umi grumbled, her expression strict.

"Ehehe, I can't hear you! The both of you are too far away!"

"Seriously, that girl..." Umi remarked. Kotori could only let out a nervous laugh.

"Oh! By the way, Umi-chan, you said you wanted to tell me something yesterday night when we were texting. What is it?" The designer asked, curious.

Almost instantly, Umi's entire demeanour changed and her cheeks were painted with a light pink. "R-right, could I tell you after practice instead?"

"Sure, I don't see why not." Kotori smiled.

The blue haired girl let out a sigh of relief.

After practice, Umi and Kotori stayed behind on the rooftop. "So..." Kotori started, "what is it?" She asked, feeling a little excited.

Umi squirmed, nervous. "K-Kotori... I-I.." she tried to speak but the words were caught in her throat. "Umi-chan? Are you okay?" The taupe haired girl noticed Umi's inability to continue and reached for her hand, lacing their fingers together, hoping to calm her down.

It had the exact opposite effect though, Umi nearly let out a shriek but bit on her lip, trying to calm herself down. Taking a deep breath, she continued, "I-I... I like you, Kotori." She glanced at her friend, who's eyes were slightly wide but she said nothing.

"It's okay if you don't like me back, I just needed to get these feelings out of my chest, I will still continue to support and care for you as a frien-"

Kotori's lips were pressed firmly against hers. And pulling away, she mumbled, "Silly Umi-chan. Why else do you think I've been holding your hand these past years?"

...

_4 years ago _

Umi was currently seated on Kotori's bed, waiting for her girlfriend to return with some drinks. Even after a whole year, Umi still felt a little giddy when thinking of Kotori as her girlfriend, a smile spread onto her face.

After a while, Kotori had yet to return to the room. "I wonder if she's alright?" Umi thought as opened the door, about to check on Kotori when she heard her talking to her mother.

She could vaguely distinguish what they were saying and it seemed to be a rather heated talk. Knowing fully well that it was wrong to peep, Umi did so anyway, curiosity getting the better of her.

"But, Mom!"

"No buts, Kotori. You know your father and I are worried about you."

"I'm fine, can't you see that?"

"I know but who knows when you might..."

"... I understand that you're worried but it's okay. I'm okay."

"But your condition..."

"Mom, I haven't relapsed."

"You're showing symptoms of it."

"It's only because of a little stress, I promise you I'm fine. Please just let me live normally."

A sigh. "Okay. But your father and I will not hesitate to-"

"I know."

"Good. We love you very much, Kotori. That's why we can't risk it."

"I know. I love you both too."

"What condition? Is Kotori okay?" Umi wondered.

Hearing Kotori's footsteps approach the door, Umi immediately closed it and scrambled to sit down on the bed again. The door opened to reveal Kotori, holding a small tray of drinks with a plate of rice crackers. She set it down on the table in the middle of her room.

"Sorry it took so long, my mom wanted to talk to me about something." She apologized, sitting down on the floor.

Umi got off the bed and sat down on the floor, directly opposite Kotori. "It's okay, what did she want to talk to you about?" She inquired, in hopes of getting some information about Kotori's 'condition'.

"Ah, it's nothing. Just some family stuff." Kotori brushed off the question, faking a smile.

Umi narrowed her eyes, silently questioning why Kotori wouldn't tell her the truth. But upon seeing that Kotori felt so uneasy about it, decided to drop the topic. "I see." She replied, and this time it was her reaching for Kotori's hand.

She clutched onto her girlfriend's hand which was soft and smooth, unlike her own which were rough and calloused from the sports she practiced. She smiled fondly at their linked hands and said, "If you're ever troubled by anything, talk to me about it, okay?" She brought Kotori's hand to her lips and placed a small kiss on her knuckle.

Kotori blushed, pulling Umi's hand towards her face, pressing the archer's palm against her cheek. She smiled genuinely, "I will."

_A quiet promise to never let each other go._

...

_3 years ago_

_A night of raw passion._

A loud slam resonated through the dark apartment. Hurried footsteps marched towards their room, leaving behind a trail of anger.

"Umi-chan! Wait!" Kotori called out as she entered their shared apartment, slipping off her shoes and switching on the lights before chasing after Umi.

The blue haired girl was currently sitting on the edge of their bed, back facing Kotori. "Umi-chan?"

"I don't want to talk now. Kotori."

The taupe girl sighed, uneasiness creeping in. "Umi-chan, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." She turned to Kotori, "I'm just tired." An unpleasant frown covered her usual calm expression.

Kotori bit her lip, before letting an anxious smile slip onto her face. "O-Oh, then let's go to sleep?"

It was certainly odd for Umi to behave like this, considering how respectful and polite she normally was.

Umi clenched her fist tightly, frustrated as she blurted out, "Why don't you go sleep with her?"

Hearing that, it all clicked into place like pieces fitting a puzzle. "Umi-chan..." she started, "Are you jealous?"

"Why would I be jealous of girl I don't even know? That's illogical, Kotori." was Umi's firm reply.

Kotori sighed, easily reading Umi's actions and words, she crawled towards her on the bed and wrapped her arms tightly around her waist, leaning her cheek on the archer's back. "She is just a friend from my class."

A moment of silence before Umi spoke, "Then why were the both of you hugging?"

"Because she's a really touchy-feely kind of person. Like Honoka-chan or Rin-chan." Kotori explained, her hold on Umi tightening.

"It doesn't explain why you were hugging her back." Umi grumbled, acting like a spoiled child.

"It would be rude not to." Kotori reasoned, pressing her lips against Umi's back.

Silence settled around them, the tension was still thick in the air. Sensing that Umi was still upset, Kotori released her hold on her and instead grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to turn around and face her.

Umi still looked visibly displeased but Kotori smiled at her nonetheless, "Umi-chan, I love you. Only you. No one else."

Umi felt her anger slip away as she let out a sigh, thoughts no longer clouded with jealousy. "I love you too, Kotori. I'm sorry I got mad at you and said such hurtful things."

Kotori leaned in, "It's okay. You misunderstood and I didn't explain it properly."

But before her lips could touch Umi's she was suddenly pushed back onto the bed. "U-Umi?"

Her hands were at the side of her head, with Umi's hands grabbing her wrists and pinning her down. The archer's knees were at Kotori's waist, her brilliant blue hair cascading down. "Kotori. You're mine, right?" She rasped out, her voice deeper and her eyes darkened.

Kotori gulped, an odd feeling settling in the pit of her stomach. "Of course, Umi-chan." Her cheeks were red, and she wondered when Umi had gotten so... sexy.

"I love you, Kotori." And Umi leaned in, capturing her lover's lips in a heated kiss.

Wrapping her arms around Umi's neck to draw her closer, Kotori briefly broke the kiss to whisper, "I love you too." as Umi's fingers swiftly undid the first button of Kotori's blouse.

...

_1 year ago_

Turning the doorknob, Umi stepped into the apartment. She had been texting her girlfriend during her entire commute from the university to their home but Kotori had suddenly stopped replying ten minutes ago.

"Kotori? I'm home." She said as she took off her shoes. However she received no response.

Feeling a little worried, Umi walked briskly to their room, only to find Kotori's phone lying on the bed, a bright light flickering, signalling she had a new message.

Unable to shake the feeling of uneasiness, Umi searched the whole house till she finally reached the kitchen.

Kotori was passed out on the kitchen floor, an empty cup and water spilled in front of her.

Umi immediately bent down, shaking her girlfriend's shoulders. "Kotori! Kotori!" She lifted the girl onto her lap and cradled her in her arms, trying to wake her. "Kotori!" She shouted, to no avail.

After a few minutes, Umi gave up and called an ambulance. Within minutes, she and Kotori were rushed to the hospital.

...

It was revealed at the hospital that Kotori had an illness, but Umi wasn't listening as the doctor rambled on, her mind fixated on only Kotori and whether she would wake up.

Thankfully, after a few hours and medical attention, Kotori regained consciousness. Her first expression was a nervous smile as she weakly waved at Umi and her parents. The rest of muse were outside, waiting as only a specific number of visitors were allowed inside.

"How are you feeling, sweetie?" Kotori's dad asked.

"I'm fine, just a little tired." She replied, trying to cover what happened with a smile.

"The doctor said you can be discharged the day after tomorrow if your condition is stable." Her mother told her, worry visible on her features.

"That's great." Kotori said but the entire time, her eyes were fixed onto Umi, whose head was hung low; she hadn't spoken a single word since Kotori awoke.

Sensing the tension between the two of them, her parents excused themselves to let them settle things.

Umi took a seat next to the hospital bed, still silent.

"Umi-chan?" Kotori prompted, trying to elicit a response from her girlfriend.

"..."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Umi asked, sadness evident in her voice.

Before Kotori could respond, Umi continued, "I could have done something, I could have helped you. This wouldn't have happened."

"I didn't want you to worry or treat me differently."

"Well, now I'm really worried." Umi replied, her tone a bit too harsh for her own liking, "I love you, Kotori. Don't you trust me enough to tell me something so important?"

"Umi-chan..." she saw how crestfallen Umi looked and felt guilty, biting her lip. "It's just... I haven't had any difficulties at all for almost 10 years so I thought it was not a problem anymore. I just needed to come back for check-ups annually." Kotori explained, reaching for Umi's hand.

The archer let out a sigh, "Still, you should have told me."

"I know, I'm sorry." Kotori shot her a small smile and Umi's resolve crumbled as she smiled back, clutching onto Kotori's hand tightly. "We'll overcome this problem together, okay?"

"Okay." Kotori grinned cheerfully before a yawn broke free from her lips.

Umi's eyes softened, "You should get some rest."

Kotori nodded, "Yeah, but... can you stay here till I fall asleep?"

"Of course." Umi answered without hesitation. Kotori let out another yawn before closing her eyes.

Umi's grip on her hand tightened.

_I will never let you go. _

...

_A few months ago _

_Please. Don't leave me. _

The next few months were rough, Umi was constantly worried about Kotori's health and she had to accompany Kotori to the hospital for check-ups.

But Kotori's condition was improving and soon, she was almost in perfect health.

Because of that, Umi never expected her beloved to have another attack but fate worked in cruel ways and a tragedy struck.

Halfway through work, she received an urgent call alerting her that Kotori was hospitalized. She had rushed over immediately and what she saw left her speechless.

_Present _

Umi stared at Kotori through the glass window. Her girlfriend lay motionless on the bed, tubes and needles inserted into her porcelain skin, tainting her beauty, as nurses and doctors assessed her condition. Pressing the palm of her hand against the cold window, wishing that she could somehow reach her, to hold her hand and whisper comforting words.

But before she knew it, the curtains allowing her to see into Kotori's room were shut, and her heart sank, worry and panic washing over her like a tidal wave.

She swallowed thickly, staggering over to one of the seats along the hospital corridor, hoping to find a peace of mind.

A few hours later, the doctor called Kotori's parents to his office to explain the situation. Umi rested her head on Honoka's shoulder, scared and tired as she waited for the report, silently praying that her beloved would be alright.

The result shattered her whole world.

Kotori's mother was crying as her father explained everything to Umi and the rest of muse. "...She's in a coma. The doctors aren't sure whether she'll ever wake up and even so, the chances are extremely slim."

"Are we allowed to visit her now?" Eli asked, visibly shaken.

"I would suppose so." Kotori's father replied, giving a forced smile. "Why don't you girls go in first, her mother and I aren't ready." And he turned to hug his wife but Umi was certain she saw a lone tear slide down his cheek.

Some of the members of muse had already begun to cry and sob as they thought about never being able to speak to Kotori again. As they each visited her, slowly everyone's tears began to fall, all except for Umi.

She entered the room, which was dimly lit and solemn and sat down on the chair next to Kotori. She grasped her hand, it was pale and cold, and Umi stroked it with her own thumb. "Hey Kotori." Her other hand reached out to brush Kotori's bangs away from her forehead, "You look really beautiful today, you always do. I wonder if you remember what day it is today?" She smiled, her grip on Kotori's hand tightening. "Hey Kotori. I love you very much. I'm sorry, I know I don't say it very often and even when I do, I'm always stuttering and making a mess out of my words." The archer chuckled in spite of herself. "Hey Kotori. You mean so much to me. Sometimes, I wonder why someone like you likes someone like me. You love romance novels and movies but I'm not the romantic type, you're so caring and sweet while I can be too strict and harsh. Your beauty can't be compared to even an angel's, so why me?"

She took a deep breath to steady her emotions before continuing, "Hey Kotori. This... this really isn't fair of you. Making me fall so deeply in love with you." her voice began to crack, "And loving me so much even though I don't deserve it." she bit the inside of her cheek, "How am I suppose to keep going without you?" She pressed her girlfriend's cold palm against her cheek as she whispered, "Please don't leave me."

...

Opening the door to their home, Umi stepped in. The air was stale and oddly warm and as Umi ventured further in, a memory of a smiling Kotori welcoming her home played in her mind. But she held herself together, trying to keep her emotions in check.

However when she reached the dining room to put down her bag what she saw left her speechless once again.

A beautifully decorated cake sat on the table, with the words "Happy Anniversary!" written in chocolate icing. And in front of the cake, lay an envelope addressed to: 'My Umi-chan'. Hands shaking, she grasped the envelope, fingers brushing over each surface to confirm that it was real.

Gingerly, she peeled open the top, revealing the letter inside. Pulling it out, she unfolded it as she began to read. "_Dearest Umi, Happy Anniversary! I can't believe we've been together for so long but it makes me really happy because I can't imagine life without you. Thanks for always looking out for me and loving me the best you can. I know that these past months have been rough on you and our relationship but I promise you, I'm getting better and I do have a surprise planned for you tonight! You mean more to me than you think and yes, you deserve all of the kisses and hugs I give you. I love you, Sonoda Umi._"

Drop by drop, tears fell onto the paper, smudging the ink as Umi crumbled to her knees, holding so tightly onto the paper that it began to crumple.

She held herself together for all those hours, willing herself not to cry even though she might never speak with Kotori again but after reading the letter, her resolve broke and the heavy weight of truth crashed down onto her, shattering her strength.

Choked sobs escaped from her lips as shivers rocked her whole body. It was as if she had been completely drained of any energy, thoughts only clinging to one person. She sat there, holding onto a crumpled paper and imagining her beloved's hand in hers. "I love you too, Kotori." she whispered, "Happy Anniversary."

…

A/N: I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON, SORRY. This ended much more sadly than I imagined... But since I kind of dislike sad/tragic endings(they cause me so much pain, have you read tokyo ghoul?) I will probably write a sequel to this to end it on a lighter note. Anyway, have a good day and don't forget to review!


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